


Strength From Within

by eyeslikeonyx



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Grief/Mourning, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Nightmares, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-15 09:08:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13610130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyeslikeonyx/pseuds/eyeslikeonyx
Summary: When Sidney finds out his dad has died, he’s in his high school Biology class in another country, far away from Cole Harbour, far away from his family. The principal and his coach pull him out of his class to break the news. They tell him it was a surprise heart attack. His mother would have called him, but she knew he wouldn’t have his phone. She was right.





	Strength From Within

**Author's Note:**

> so two days ago (february 5, 2018) officially marked six years since my dad passed away, and I wanted to write something that’s almost like some sort of venting thing through fiction. i’ve never just written in a diary and released all of my emotions to an imaginary person. i tell my stories through other characters. this isn’t any different. in fact, this is probably going to be as close to telling my actual real-life story as it can get. it’s not a very happy one (even though it ends positively), so please, read the tags and proceed with caution.
> 
> if you ever need someone to talk to, my inbox on tumblr is always open. so are my messages. i know how hard life can get, and you shouldn’t have to go through it alone. talk to someone. telling someone what you’re going through is the best therapy you will ever have. i know i wish i would have talked to someone about the pain i was feeling. maybe i wouldn’t be as damaged as i am if i had been strong enough to tell someone how i felt and deal with my pain head on. better late than never, though. do what you need to do to take care of yourself, even if it's the hardest thing you'll ever do. you'll thank yourself later on for it.
> 
> (definitely not beta'd)

When Sidney finds out his dad has died, he’s in his high school Biology class in another country, far away from Cole Harbour, far away from his family. The principal and his coach pull him out of his class to break the news. They tell him it was a surprise heart attack. His mother would have called him, but she knew he wouldn’t have his phone. She was right.

This has to be a joke. It can’t be real. He just called his dad last night. He didn’t get the chance to tell him about the volunteer work he did with the team over the weekend because his dad wanted to talk about the Habs game and Sidney’s game from a couple nights ago.

Then, of course, it went downhill the moment his dad said something about how Sidney needed to get his mind focused or he would never go pro. That kind of stuff never usually bothers him, but his dad said that after Sidney got a hat trick for the second time that season. So they argued and yelled at each other like they always do. Sidney hung up the phone in the middle of his dad’s yelling and turned it off. He was going to call the next night and things would be back to normal.

The last thing he said to his dad was that the man was a control freak and an asshole, that he was glad he was in Minnesota and not Nova Scotia. It meant he was farther away from him.

Sidney has a game tonight. This is a big one, too. Scouts from the Q are going to be there. He should be there with the team. Instead, he’s on the first flight back home to Nova Scotia, paid for out of pocket by his coach.

It was bright and sunny when he had woken up this morning, but there is a large thunderstorm beginning to rage through Minnesota before his flight takes off. 

He cries the whole plane ride home, listening to the grainy voicemails his dad has left him since he left home to go Shattuck. He and his dad were supposed to go to a Habs game for Spring Break. Glass seats. He has to run to the airplane bathroom and throw up a couple of times. He shyly thanks the flight attendant who is accompanying him on the flight for the cold Sprite and for giving him a hug when he explains why he’s going to Nova Scotia. She gives him one more hug for good measure when he gets off the plane in Halifax.

His mother and sister are both waiting for him. He wants to feel relief when he sees them. Instead, he has to run to the nearest trashcan. It’s all Sprite-flavored stomach acid, and it burns his esophagus. Everything hurts. His mother soothes him with a hand between his shoulder blades. Taylor holds his hand.

He has to be strong. He’s the man of the house now.

Mom won’t let him transfer high schools and come back to Cole Harbour. She wants him to keep playing hockey. He’ll go crazy without it. He can’t just give up. He knows she’s right. His dad would be disappointed in him if he gave up hockey.

**~~~**

The whole time he’s home, everything is a blur. He hears whispers of people asking why he didn’t stand by his mother’s side right next to the open casket, why he didn’t cry during the funeral. It’s not natural or good for a kid to not cry at their parent’s funeral. Sidney balls his hands into fists, using every bit of willpower he has not to punch his cousin in the face. Not everything is dramatic like the fucking movies. He doesn’t have to show everyone every emotion he has. He’s not their puppet. They don't know shit.

He’s thankful to be back at Shattuck. For a week.

He sits in his dorm room by himself. Jack went out to a party with some of their teammates and asked Sidney if he was going. Sidney shook his head no, and Jack was gone. Sidney shouldn’t be alone right now. He’s been having constant nightmares for the past two weeks. They’re all either of his dad standing there in his corpse suit, blaming him for his death or of his dad just fading and Sidney standing there, unable to do anything except watch him die. Sidney doesn’t sleep for fear of the nightmares coming back. He doesn’t eat because he knows he’ll just throw it all up again.

He throws up immediately after the third anxiety attack of the day. He can’t keep living like this. So many people have offered to be a good friend to talk to, but he knows that none of them mean it. Maybe Jack does, but Sidney can’t be so sure. He’s still a little wary of fully trusting Jack because of the prank he pulled on Sidney the first day Sidney arrived at Shattuck.

Sidney wants to call his mom, but he knows that she has Taylor and herself to worry about. He can’t be a burden. He already feels guilty enough as it is. He was so cruel to his father before hanging up on him. His dad had called back three times and left an apology voicemail. Sid didn’t even know about it until he had turned on his phone again on the way to the airport.

Sidney wonders if he caused the heart attack. He knows that he could have saved his dad if he was there. He’s CPR certified. The coroner didn’t do an autopsy since there was no foul play involved, so Sidney will never know if the heart attack could have been avoided. He will have to live with that looming doubt for the rest of his life. His mother is a widow now, and his little sister will have to grow up without a father. And it’s all Sidney’s fault.

He can’t take this misery, this guilt. He just wants to die.

Sidney’s looking around for something that’ll be strong enough to hold his weight so that he won’t survive hanging himself when Jack walks back through the door. Sidney is holding the sheets from his bed in his hands and was actually preparing to walk out the door and off campus to off himself. He can’t explain to Jack what he’s doing. He doesn’t need to.

Jack pulls the sheets from Sidney’s hands and hugs him tightly. “You can always come to me, Sid,” Jack promises. “Please don’t do this.” Sidney cries for the first time since being back at Shattuck.

**~~~**

Sidney thinks his suicide attempts are over, but a particularly wild and fun night at a weekend tournament in South Dakota three weeks down the road is enough to send him over the edge again. He binges as much alcohol as he can, but he still doesn’t really feel drunk at all. Maybe he’ll die from the alcohol poisoning? Teenagers die from doing stupid shit like this all the time. No one will suspect a thing.

Except Jack is ripping the bottle of Cuervo from his shaking hands and takes him back to their hotel room. Everyone whines about how Sidney should stay because  _ he’s fun to be around when he’s got some alcohol in him! _

_ He can hold his fucking liquor like a pro! _

_ Jesus, Croz, you’ve been holding out on us! _

Jack stays with him the whole night while he pukes in the toilet of their hotel room. Sidney doesn’t explain that it’s not from the alcohol.

_ Another foiled attempt, _ he chides himself. Sidney wants to hate Jack, but he thinks he might be in love with him instead. He voices as much that night, then again in the morning to prove that he was sober when he said it. Jack only smiles sadly and tells Sidney that he cares about him, but he can’t be with him.

“Not like this, Sid,” Jack says. Sidney knows what that implies. He’s too much work, too  _ damaged.  _ He distances himself from Jack, from the team, from everyone.

The next time he attempts to take his own life, it’s Spring Break, and he’s in Montreal with Mom. She insisted on them going to the game together while Taylor goes on a trip with one of her friends from school and their family. They have fun at the game, and Sidney almost forgets all of the pain he has felt. Back at the hotel, though, he tells his mom he’s going to take a bath before he goes to bed. She tells him she loves him and that she’s going to bed early. He fills up the tub and decides this is it. He’ll drown himself and put himself and his family out of their collective misery. Just as he is about to sink underwater, he hears the muffled sobs from Mom on the other side of the door. He hasn’t seen or heard her cry once since his dad died. Come to think of it, he can’t remember the last time she cried in front of him, He is shaken to his very core.

He realizes, very quickly, that his mother has been hiding her sadness from him. She’s been trying to stay strong for  _ him.  _ And he’s been so selfish to think that he’s doing her any favors by trying to die himself. She’s already lost her husband; she can’t lose Sidney, too.

Sidney drains the tub and changes into his pajamas. Instead of crawling into his own queen-sized bed in the hotel room, he lies down beside Mom and holds her. She cries into his chest and tries to stop her own tears. They both cry themselves to sleep together.

They go to brunch the next morning before they have to head to the airport, and they talk about Dad. He feels better than he has in the weeks since his dad died.

He never tells her what he almost did. He doesn’t think she could take it. He knows he wouldn’t.

**~~~**

He leaves Shattuck and moves to Rimouski that coming fall.

Things are a little different here. He doesn’t have as much freedom living with a billet family, but he has his license and a car, so that helps. It really helps when he party as hard as he can and just tell his billet parents that he’s staying over for a study group session with a group of his teammates. He probably shouldn’t party like this, but he can’t bring himself to care. Alcohol cures woes that hockey just can’t.

Sidney meets Marc-Andre, who insists on being called Flower, during training for World Juniors. He’s a goalie for the Pittsburgh Penguins, and he’s about as weird as goalies come. They become fast friends, and Sidney doesn’t feel as lost or alone at Juniors. They stay friends, and Flower tells Sidney that he hopes he gets drafted to Pittsburgh.

Sidney wants to play for Montreal, but he secretly hopes that Pittsburgh will be it if it’s not the Habs.

If he lives long enough.

**~~~**

Sidney knows he’s still suicidal. He wants to die, still; he just doesn’t actively try to kill himself all the time like he used to. There’s been a couple of incidents at Rimouski where a teammate has found a bottle of prescription pills that don’t belong to Sidney, but they promise not to tell their coach. Sidney can’t decide what’s more embarrassing: that he almost got caught being a suicidal wreck, or that his teammates think he’s a drug addict. Pills are shot down as an option to off himself, but he keeps a bottle in his bag at all times, anyway. Just in case.

Team Canada wins gold at World Juniors the next year, and he’s proud of his team. He wonders if his dad would be, too.

He drinks so much alcohol, but he never feels that satisfied buzz in his head that everyone talks about. His liver probably hates him at this point in his life, but he can live with that.

**~~~**

When the Combine comes along, Sidney rooms with Jack again. They’ve talked and hung out some since Sidney left Shattuck, but not about Sidney’s inner turmoil.

“You seem like you’re doing better,” Jack says when they go eat breakfast that first day. Sidney knows he’s not doing better, but it’s nice to know that he’s gotten better at hiding it. So he just nods and talks about the Combine.

He should have known his little charade would never get by Jack.

Sidney finds Jack snooping through Sidney’s bags, frantically looking for something. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he shouts. Jack ignores him. “Get out of my stuff!”

“Were you afraid I was going to find these?” Jack asks numbly, holding up the bottle of pills that  _ do  _ belong to Sidney.

“They’re for my knee.”

“Bullshit, Sid. You hurt your knee three months ago. And you hate prescription drugs. They give you nightmares and hallucinations.”

“They suck, anyway. So what if they’re a little worse? My knee, in fact, still hurts, and I brought them just in case. I’m not a druggie.”

“So you were going to wash them down with water? Or with that bottle of Captain Morgan I found in there, too?”

“Fuck you, Jack!”

“Sid, you need help! You’re killing yourself!”

“Maybe I want to die! Ever thought about that?”

Sidney’s mouth clicks shut. He has never admitted his suicidal tendencies out loud. Jack sighs defeatedly throws both bottles onto the bed. He walks up to Sidney and holds him. Sidney tries to push him away, but Jack won’t let go. Sidney’s mind flashes back to that first time he tried to commit suicide. Jack was there for him and didn’t judge him, didn’t make fun of him for being a crybaby or a freak. He didn’t give him a hard time. Jack held him the same way he’s holding him now, only Jack is taller and has a lot more muscle on him. Sidney’s face fits right in the crook of his neck as he sobs about how sorry he is for pushing Jack away. Jack just tells him it’s ok and that he gets it.

“I don’t think I could handle losing my dad like you have,” he confesses. “You’re so fucking strong, Sid. Give yourself some credit. I’m so happy you’re alive, and so are a lot of other people.”

Sidney lets the words wash over him. He feels better now than he has since leaving Shattuck. He knows that the supposed love he felt for Jack at the time was just him learning to trust someone to be his friend. That feeling comes back full throttle, and he embraces it much more happily this time around. Jack is one of his best friends, and he knows that they’ll stay best friends for a very long time.

**~~~**

Sidney gets drafted first overall to the Pittsburgh Penguins.

He calls Flower and tells him the news, laughing as Flower rambles between English and French like a madman. They get to play in Pittsburgh together, after all. Jack gets sent to Los Angeles, but he and Sidney promise to call, text, and email all the time. “Call me any time you have a bad day,” Jack says when they depart at the airport. “Seriously, I’ll always answer.” Sidney doesn’t try to think about Jack’s promise too much, but at least he can believe that he isn’t lying to him or trying to hurt him.

Mario Lemieux is Sidney’s billet father in Pittsburgh  _ and  _ his captain, and he is nothing like how his own father was. He’s fairly laid back about most things, and he constantly reminds Sidney that he is an adult now and can make his own choices. Sidney takes to the kids really well, and they distract him a lot from his own self-misery. Nathalie teaches him how to cook, and he finds that he likes cooking a lot more than drinking. It’s tedious and requires a lot of concentration and skill, and it’s fun.

One morning in November, Sidney finds Mario standing in his loft, holding the bottle of pills that he never got rid of at the Combine. He pales.

“I can explain,” Sidney begins to say, but he can’t finish. Mario’s neutral stare makes him squirm uncomfortably.

“Are you abusing drugs?” Mario asks.

“What? No!”

“Are you abusing alcohol?” Sidney knows that there’s no use lying to Mario. The older man is a lot smarter than most people give him credit for. He’s also the father to four kids. He definitely knows what to do in the parenting department. He’ll get the truth out of Sidney somehow.

“Not as much as I used to.”

Mario nods his head a couple of times. Sidney can’t tell if Mario is disappointed or angry or simply doesn’t care. Actually, that’s not true. Sidney can tell that Mario cares, but maybe too much.

“I think I have a really good idea as to why you carry around these pills. And it’s definitely not because of your knee.” Mario sits on the edge of Sidney’s bed and gestures for Sidney to sit next to him. So Sidney does. “When I had cancer, I was depressed. When I was finally cancer-free, I kept thinking I would feel better. This disease was finally gone. But I only got worse. My physical health was top-notch. My mental health?” Mario laughs bitterly. “I was about as fucked up as you could get. And I never said anything to anyone. I kept thinking that time would heal me, but the quieter I was, the worse I would be. I kept thinking that maybe I would get better if I didn’t think about it, but then it turned into nightmares of my own funeral, of the chemo sessions.

“I would lock myself away from the rest of my family and never let them know what I was thinking or feeling. It almost ruined my and Nathalie’s marriage. I kept thinking about how much I was hurting her and how she would be better off without me—how all of my kids would be better off without me. So, I took a bottle of my pain pills from my treatment and I took it with me on a roadie to Los Angeles.”

Sidney can’t begin to process what Mario is telling him. He never knew. Did anyone know?

“The night I was planning to commit suicide, Nathalie called me. She was barely seven months pregnant with Austin. And they had to take him early. I immediately got on the next flight home. I realized that my family needed me. I had to be strong for them. Sitting there with Nathalie—who is the strongest woman I have ever known—and listening to her confess every fear to me without hesitation, wondering if Austin was even going to  _ survive—”  _ Mario’s voice breaks on that last word. Sidney worries at his lip. “I realized that I had to be just as honest with her as she’s been with me. I needed help and I needed my wife to be there for me.”

Sidney stares at his fiddling thumbs. He doesn’t want Mario to see him cry. “Weren’t you afraid that she would think you were weak?” he asks quietly.

“Of course. But I also know the woman I married, and I know that it hurt her so much worse that she felt I couldn’t trust her to be there for me. Sometimes you have to lean on other people to keep going, and sometimes you have to do that for longer than you want. It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. And that’s all you are, Sid. You don’t have to be this superhero, not in front of the people who care about you the most.”

Sidney doesn’t even realize he’s crying until Mario pulls him in for a hug. He sobs into Mario’s sweatshirt, but he doesn’t say anything about the wet drops that he feels land in his hair.

He’s read everything wrong this entire time. He’s been so terrified of disappointing the people around him that he never took the time to think that maybe someone else wants to make sure he’s actually okay. He knows that he would be devastated if Jack was ever in the same position as him and never said anything to him. Now he’s starting to understand how Jack must have felt when he caught Sidney taking his sheets with him so he could hang himself.

“Did you ever tell anyone else?” Sidney asks hoarsely.

“I told my team and my coaches,” Mario explains. “I had to. I wanted to be honest with them. I’ve worn the C for so long, and I knew that these guys were people I could trust to be there for me and help save me from myself. You should trust at least one person to be there for you like my team has always been there for me.”

“Do you ever think about killing yourself still?” Mario pauses then sighs deeply.

“Not anymore. It’s a liberating feeling.”

Sidney wonders when he’ll be able to feel like that. He can’t remember not wanting to die.

“Are you going to throw away the pills?”

“You know I have to.” Sidney wants to be angry at Mario for invading his privacy like this, but maybe this is exactly what he needs if he wants to get better. So Sidney sits and watches as Mario flushes the pills down the toilet. Sidney’s shoulders suddenly don’t feel as heavy anymore.

**~~~**

Mario convinces Sidney to go to therapy and at least get everything out in the open instead of bottling it all in. His therapist is the same one Mario has had since he decided to get help. Her name is Michelle, and she’s kind. She lets Sidney talk for as long as he wants and helps him work through all of his emotions. She agrees that Sidney needs to find a trustworthy friend or family member to be here for him during the season since Mario is having to quit. He likes Army and Flower just fine, but he doesn’t know if he can fully trust them just yet. He still feels suicidal, and with Mario finally retiring for good, he doesn’t have his captain to help him out anymore.

Come August, though, Evgeni Malkin shows up.

Sidney doesn’t expect to become so close to Malkin so quickly, especially with the language barrier, but they are inseparable. Malkin soon becomes Evgeni, and then Evgeni becomes Geno. Geno finds Sidney’s bottle of whiskey on their Western Canada roadie and pours it down the drain for him. Sidney isn’t sure how to explain what he’s been through, so he just tells Geno that he’s been miserable for a long time, but he’s trying to get better.

“It just takes a while to get better,” he says. Geno hugs Sidney without asking for permission first. Sidney doesn’t mind, for once.

“You get better soon,” Geno murmurs into Sidney’s hair. It’s not a command; it’s reassurance. Sidney accepts it happily. Finally, he’s found someone.

They go from being teammates to friends to best friends before Christmas rolls around.

Sidney enjoys the holidays, but he’s not happy about being away from his mom and his sister. They can’t fly down to Pittsburgh, so Sidney is going to have to mail their presents to Cole Harbour. Geno helps him pick out their presents and is a surprisingly great gift-giver.

He wants to get something for Geno, but he has to enlist the help of Gonch. He thinks Geno will like it, but he can never be too sure.

Geno ends up loving the Russian cookbook he put together. A lot of the recipes came from Gonch’s family, but Sidney had managed to get some of Geno’s mother’s recipes along with handwritten notes from Mrs. Malkina, Mr. Malkin, and Denis. Sidney doesn’t give Geno shit for crying over the gift. He hasn’t been able to talk to his parents because of the lawsuit from Metallurg Magnitogorsk, but Gonch had found a way to get letters from them to Geno. Geno ends up pulling Sidney into a bone-crushing hug and thanking him constantly, switching back and forth between English and Russian.

Sidney hugs him back happily enough.

Geno gets Sidney a large, fluffy penguin stuffed animal with a Malkin jersey on it. There’s a note written in Geno’s slightly shaky English penmanship, and Sidney’s heart stops.

_ Just in case you ever feel lonely or scared. You have me everywhere you go. _

Sidney feels like his entire being might burst from overwhelming happiness. No one has ever gotten him a gift like that before. He tries not to read too much into it, but it’s all he can talk about in his next session with Michelle.

Michelle is quick to tell Sidney that he needs to be cautious about dating while he is in such a vulnerable state, but he doesn’t need to avoid them altogether. He has to explain to her that Geno is just a friend. Michelle looks at him skeptically but thankfully lets it go.

**~~~**

They make it to the playoffs that year, but they lose in the first round.

Sidney feels like a failure for not taking the team that far, but Geno is quick to assure him that they did everything they could. Sidney is quick to do the same for Geno when he notices how quiet Geno is at locker clean-out. Geno just smiles sadly and hugs Sidney close. Sidney tries not to inhale Geno’s scent.

Summer passes by in a blur, and then Sidney is being asked to be Captain of the Pittsburgh Penguins before training camp is set to begin. Sidney admits his fears to Michelle and then to Mario, and both give him the same but also different answers.

“It’s up to you,” Michelle says, “but you have to think about what you can and cannot handle.”

“It’s up to you,” Mario tells him, “but if you think you can do it, then go for it. I personally think you have the ability to handle it.”

He needs a definite answer, though, and only one person in his life is willing to not bullshit him or sugarcoat anything.

“Do it,” Geno says over the phone. “You be great Captain. Best, Sid.”

That answers that.

Sidney takes the C and becomes the youngest Captain in NHL history. He wonders if his dad is proud of him or is disappointed that he didn’t wait. For once, he has a feeling he knows what the answer is.

**~~~**

So close. Fuck, they were so  _ close. _

The Penguins make it all the way to the Stanley Cup Final, and they blow it in the sixth game at home. Sidney doesn’t really talk to anyone that night, and he wonders if all he will ever be is a failure. This could be his only chance to ever get a Stanley Cup, and he ruined it.

He ruined it for the team, for his family, for Mario, for his dad.

He knows his dad would be so disappointed in him.

Sidney goes home that night after having his broken ankle finally put in a boot and locks himself away, mind reeling from the loss. He knows that he should do what Michelle has said in the past and try to pull himself out of the dark hole of his anxiety, but he doesn’t have the mental capacity to do so tonight.

_ They were right, _ Sidney says to himself.  _ You’re too young to lead a team to victory. You couldn’t do it. Say goodbye to the C. You’ve just proven to everyone in the NHL that you’re nothing more than a crybaby who can’t do anything right. What would Dad say right now? Jesus, he would be so angry. You couldn’t do it, and you have nothing to show for it. You didn’t work hard enough. You’re not good enough. You’ll never be— _

There’s a knock at the door and a soft, heavily accented “Sidney?” from the other side. Sidney realizes he’s crying and wipes away his tears as quickly as he can.

“Come in,” he croaks. His voice sounds horrendous. The door slowly opens to reveal Geno on the other side. He doesn’t look much better than Sidney feels. He sits against the headboard parallel to Sidney and takes several slow breaths. Sidney isn’t sure what to think with Geno sitting this close to him, especially after that embarrassing display earlier tonight.

“Sorry I’m not win us Stanley Cup,” Geno mumbles. Sidney’s head snaps to Geno and he stares incredulously.

“What?” he asks dumbly.

“Is my fault we not win. Should have play better. Play like shit, Sid.”

“Geno, no—”

“You play whole Final with broke ankle and  _ still  _ play better than everyone. We let you down, Sid.  _ I’m  _ let you down.” Sidney shakes his head, not believing what Geno is saying.

“No,  _ I’m  _ the Captain, so I hold responsibility for how we play. It’s my fault we didn’t win. I should’ve played harder. You guys were so great! You kicked ass out there, G! You were a monster out there! I couldn’t even play my best because of my damn ankle, but you were amazing! All of you were!” Geno scrunches his eyebrows at Sid.

“You think is all your fault we lose?” Sidney swallows around the lump in his throat.

“I mean, yeah. Everyone was right: I’m too young to lead a team to a Stanley Cup.”

“Wrong. Everyone wrong.”

“G—”

“No. They wrong. You not too young. You best, Sid. Always best.” Sidney’s eyes involuntarily water. He really  _ is  _ a crybaby. “You best player in the world. You great, Sid. Always great. Always work so hard, maybe too hard. What you have to prove? Already show world you best. Don’t need Stanley Cup.”

Geno wipes away Sidney’s tears and hands him his well-loved penguin to hold. Sidney feels like a child having to be told not to listen to what the mean kids say on the playground, but he can’t bring himself to care about facades anymore. Not around Geno.

Geno doesn’t say anything more; he just arranges them so that Sidney’s back is pressed against his chest and holds him through the night. Sidney thinks Geno is drunk and will regret all of this in the morning or even ask how the hell he ended up at Mario’s house.

Geno’s warm breath against his skin smells like mint, and his clothes smell like laundry detergent and his cologne. It’s comforting enough to help lull Sidney to a dreamless sleep.

**~~~**

Geno leaves for Russia three days later. Sidney drops him off at the airport and relishes in their final hug and blushes happily over the small peck on his forehead that Geno left behind.

Sidney doesn’t know what this means for their friendship. Most likely, Geno is going to go home and not think of Sidney once. He’ll probably have a fling with a couple of girls in Moscow or party as much as he can or rekindle his relationship with Oksana again.

Sidney doesn’t expect Geno to call him almost every day.

They talk about their summer adventures and how excited they are for the new season. It’s easy to talk to Geno, even with the language barrier still being sort of there. They’ve always made it work somehow. Sidney tries not to think too hard about the fact that he always feels so much happier when he’s talking to Geno. Mario and Michelle pick up on it easily enough. So does Mom.

“Geno and I aren’t dating,” Sidney assures his mother. Mom just smiles kindly.

“Even if you’re not, I’m just glad you have someone who can be there for you.”

Sidney has always debated telling Mom about his suicidal state, but he doesn’t think he can deal with breaking her heart. He stays silent about it and enjoys the time he spends with her and Taylor for the summer.

**~~~**

Sidney gets back to Pittsburgh after his birthday. He has a good feeling about this season. This is the best he’s felt in a very long time. He pulls into the Lemieux’s driveway and feels his heart jump in his throat at the sight of Geno’s car parked in front of the garage.

Sidney had no idea that Geno was already back in the States.

He gets out of his car and goes inside quickly enough, abandoning his bags for now. The house is quiet since the Lemieux’s are still in Montreal until next week.

“Geno?” Sidney calls out. No answer. He checks all the rooms downstairs before climbing the steps up to his loft. He knocks on the door twice before opening it right after.

He can’t help the grin breaking out across his face when he sees Geno nervously standing by the bed with a bouquet of yellow roses in a vase in his hands.

“For you,” Geno says. “Know you like flowers, so—I’m buy you some.”

“You didn’t have to do that, G,” Sidney tells him as he happily takes the flowers and sits them on his nightstand. He quickly takes a whiff of them and turns back to Geno, who still looks anxious and ready to bolt. “I love them.”

Geno visibly relaxes at that and hugs Sidney easily enough. Sidney hugs back immediately and lets his shoulders slack in Geno’s hold. They hold each other for a long time until Geno finally pulls away.

“Need to say something,” he starts off saying. “Not know how say so long, but think I’m know now.” Sidney raises a wary eyebrow. Geno quickly smoothes it away with his thumb. “I like you, Sid. Like you so much. Not say anything because know you go through hard times. Want to make sure you feel same. Mean so much to me. Not want to be—a-afraid?” Sidney nods quickly. “Not want to be afraid of this. Want to try to be best—for you.”

“What if I’m not the best thing for you?” Sidney asks quietly. Geno grins.

“Always best for me.”

Sidney didn’t know a kiss could feel so unbelievably perfect. But this is Geno, so it’s perfect enough. He giggles into Geno’s mouth as Geno lies him down on the bed and they cuddle and kiss some more.

**~~~**

This season feels the same as last season, only better. Sidney and Geno don’t really change their dynamic much at all. The only difference between being best friends and dating, Sidney realizes, is the physical intimacy of it all. He’s always feared that the physical factor would psyche him out, but Geno is there to hold him and take care of him the whole time.

Sidney has never felt love like this before. It’s so crystal clear and overwhelming how much Geno loves him and how much he loves Geno right back. He talks to Michelle about it, and she seems happy that Sidney has found someone to care for and have take care of him in return.

The thing is, Sidney doesn’t feel like he’s taken care of Geno at all. Geno’s the one who talks him down from his anxiety attacks and keeps him away from alcohol when he’s feeling particularly awful about himself. Geno is the one who cooks when Sidney is sick; he wakes Sidney from all of his nightmares and holds him when they sleep at night. Geno has done so much for him, and he feels like he hasn’t done enough.

Instead of wallowing about it, though, Sidney decides to do something about it.

**~~~**

Valentine’s Day comes around and Sidney decides to make some of Geno’s favorite Russian foods, since they’re in town this year. The only problem is that Sidney accidentally burns everything he makes. He can’t stop the impending anxiety attack and just lets it run its course—even all the way through the aftermath, where he pukes in the sink and shakes until he throws up again. He finds the bottle of bourbon he had hidden under the sink and just drinks straight from the bottle.

Geno comes over to the Lemieux’s that night with Sidney’s favorite yellow roses and a jewelry box, only to find Sidney sitting on the kitchen floor with a half-empty bottle of bourbon in his hand. Geno gently takes the bottle away and helps Sidney into the shower upstairs in the loft.

Sidney doesn’t say anything for a long time, even though he knows Geno is worried about him. But Geno talks about how shitty Talbo is at pranks and about the Caps game from the night before and so many other things. Sidney lets the words wash over him as he lies in bed with Geno.

Geno feeds Sidney the pizza he had called in to have delivered while Sidney was still in the shower until Sidney finally feels good enough to laugh alongside Geno and talk some more. Geno never says a word about the major meltdown Sidney had in the kitchen, and Sidney is thankful. Geno never asks Sidney to talk unless he feels like something is really wrong. He’s gotten very good at picking up on Sidney’s telltale signs. If it was anyone else, Sidney would be so terrified. But it’s Geno, and Geno is safety for him.

“I’m get you something,” Geno says with a grin and reaches for something on the nightstand. Sidney’s smile falters.

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” Sidney weakly insists.

“I’m know, but I’m think, ‘Perfect for Sid. Have to get.’ So I’m do.” Geno holds out the jewelry box from earlier. Sidney carefully opens the box and feels his heart swell at the gold pendant laid out. It’s the vintage Pittsburgh Penguins logo in solid gold with the number  _ 87  _ etched into the top right corner. He’s about to thank Geno for the gift when he turns the pendant around and gasps wetly. His vision blurs with tears.

 

_ May you always find peace, _

_ Wherever you go. _

 

Sidney remembers telling Geno that his dad used to pray with him when he was little, and his prayer for Sidney always ended with those words. He thinks about his dad a lot, but he has noticed how he thinks more of the happy memories they shared when he was younger. Geno always asks for the fun stories of how Sidney and his dad would spend hours outside on a frozen pond and just play for as long as they could. They actually played on the pond not far from their house that last Christmas they all spent together as a family.

It’s one of Sidney’s most favorite memories of him and his dad.

“You not like?” Geno asks in a hesitant voice. Sidney notices how Geno is looking so fearful, like he’s afraid Sidney will hate the gift Geno has given him. Sidney kisses him sweetly, the tears still flowing down his cheeks.

“I love it, G,” Sidney says with a cracked voice. He’s smiling so genuinely, Geno’s face softens. Geno helps him put the necklace on. Sidney straddles Geno’s lap and kisses him hard.

“Glad you love so much, Sid,” Geno murmurs. “Just want make you happy.” Sidney rests his forehead against Geno’s and giggles. “I try be nice, and you laugh. Mean.” Sidney’s eyes crinkle as he honks with laughter. He holds Geno’s cheeks with his hands.

“I’m just so happy, Geno. You make me so,  _ so  _ happy. I haven’t been this happy in so long. You give me so many reasons to wake up in the morning and keep going. You’re not all of the reasons. I also have mom, Taylor, hockey, the Lemieux’s, the Cup, the Penguins, and so many other things to live for. You’re really high up on the list, though.” Geno smiles warmly up at Sidney while rubbing his hands gently up and down Sidney’s back. He presses his forehead into Sidney’s clothed chest. Sidney plays with Geno’s long, messy hair.

“Want nothing more than this,” Geno whispers. “Want this forever. With you. Love you, Sid.” Sidney bites his bottom lip to hold back his resurfacing tears.

“I love you, too, Geno. So much.”

**~~~**

The playoffs are brutal. It provides a perfect distraction from Sidney’s growing inner turmoil. The anxiety has returned with a particular vengeance, and he has no idea what to do about it. He wants to talk to Geno about it, but Geno is just as stressed out as he is, and he doesn’t want to be seen as a nuisance. Mario could possibly help him, but he has to worry the entire Penguins franchise. He wants to call Michelle, but he knows that she’s busy with her family. Jack seems like a good option, but then he would have to hear the disappointed sigh crackle over the phone, and he just can’t deal with that. He can’t tell his mom about all of this. He just can’t. So he decides to keep it all to himself.

Everything finally comes to a head two days before the Penguins begin their rematch against Detroit in the Stanley Cup Final.

Sidney vomits on and off for a solid four hours. He’s drinking Gatorade just to have something to throw up so that he doesn’t feel that awful burn of actual stomach acid crawl up his throat. He left his phone in his bedroom, and he knows that everyone is asking why he didn’t show up to optional this morning, but he just can’t do it today.

He’s so tired. It’s moments like these where it feels so easy to give it all up. He’s been able to handle the stress for a long time, but sometimes he just feels the pressure build until it’s suffocating him completely. He’s done so well hiding how much pain it’s caused him, but the looming cloud of yet another disappointing end to a seemingly killer season makes him sick to his stomach. He’s terrified of letting his teammates down, his coaches down, the franchise, the city, his family—

He can’t let his dad down.

And that’s what it all boils down to, isn’t it? The scrutiny from the entire hockey world is nothing compared to the thought of all the sacrifices his father made for him growing up being in vain, having nothing to show for it. It will forever be his greatest fear. He wants to believe that his dad will love him no matter what, but he can’t handle the possibility that he is a failure, after all.

But the thing is—his father isn’t here anymore. Sidney has done all of this to make his dead father proud. He’s done it for his family, his town, his country, his team. He’s mostly done all of this for himself. He has nothing to live for, to fight for. Not really. There’s something missing.

He reaches for his pendant and reads the words on the back again. From a different lens, those words mean something else to him. A calming wave suddenly washes over his body. It’s a rush he only ever feels when he’s skating on fresh ice, when Geno is holding him so protectively at night. This is more intense than either of those, though. It’s almost supernatural, in a way. It’s nothing human.

 

_ May you always find peace, _

_ Wherever you go. _

 

Sidney clings to the pendant for dear life. For the first time in a long time, he prays.

**~~~**  


He’s done it. He’s won the Stanley Cup.

His pulse is ringing in his ears, but he can feel everyone hugging him. There’s cheers of celebration because  _ the Pittsburgh Penguins just won the Stanley Cup! _

Sidney looks out at the crowd and sees Mom and Taylor clinging to each other and crying happily. The Lemieux’s are right next to them and cheering just as hard. Amongst the sea of red and white, there’s plenty of black and gold in support of this team— _ his  _ team.

His dad is standing there. Sidney grins when he sees him, and his dad simply grins right back. He’s wearing his Habs jersey and looks the exact same as he did when Sidney last saw him. He nods slowly to him and laughs, something he always did when Sidney made a great play or made an A on a math test.

_ He’s proud. _

“Sid!”

Sidney spins around in time to see Geno, who’s coming at him full speed. Sidney laughs and screams happily with Geno as Geno picks him up and spins around. “We did it, Sid! We win Cup!”

They really did it. Sidney is so glad Jack found him six years ago. He’s so thankful that he found the strength from within to keep going, to keep moving forward. He has a long way to go, but he knows that he can do this. He’s determined come out on top every time, despite all of the setbacks he knows he will face.

Sidney Crosby is not going to give up.

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is [here](eyeslikeonyx.tumblr.com)


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